April 16, 2019
Breast is best. That’s what we hear from the get go. I could not tell you how many times during my last trimester that I was asked if I was going to breastfeed. “Do you plan on breastfeeding?” What if I didn’t? Would that have been okay? When I answered yes, the response was always about how fast the weight would fall off and oddly not even about the baby. Now the question is, “Are you breastfeeding?” What if I’m not? Is that okay?
I was hesitant to post about this. When did feeding your baby become such a sensitive topic? Lots of bloggers share posts about their breastfeeding journey. I found myself reading those posts looking for someone else that is going through or had gone through the same thing as me. I think I just wanted to know I wasn’t alone.
In my head I thought my baby and I would be great at breastfeeding. Much like the thought of having my baby vaginally, not all things turn out the way you want them to.
Our first try at breastfeeding was in the recovery room after my c-section, less than an hour after giving birth. It was hard and frustrating because I could not move my legs and I wasn’t sitting up all the way. My upper body strength wasn’t enough to pull myself upright so the nurse or Milton had to help me, I’m not sure who. I was determined about breastfeeding. I had watched videos and read books. Let’s do this. I sandwiched my boob and shoved it right in there. She latched and we were off to a good start. I remember the nurse complimenting my efforts, and I felt like a super-mom already.
As I mentioned in my baby products post, I did not buy nipple cream until the day before I had Caroline. I’m not sure what I would have done without it. I was slapping that stuff on after each time we nursed. On the second day in the hospital the lactation nurse came in to speak with me. Caroline had been nursing well and dirtying her diapers regularly, but I was experiencing some discomfort. The lactation consultant helped me with her latch and it was like magic. She manipulated my boob and slid that baby on perfectly. Something I just couldn’t quite accomplish myself. Then she spoke about 90 mph about breastfeeding: what to eat and what not to eat, where I could find help and support, etc. It was overwhelming. She spent about 30 minutes in my room and I never saw her again. Now… my goal is not to talk poorly about the hospital or my experience there. I just felt rushed and overwhelmed in this situation, as if having a newborn isn’t overwhelming as it is.
Fast forward to hours later once we are at home and trying to figure everything out. The next two days of nursing were really something. Did you know that your uterus contracts and begins to shrink back while breastfeeding? The hormones produced during breastfeeding really jumpstart this process, and it hurts like freaking hell. Remember, I had a schedule c-section, so I didn’t really get to experience any big contractions during labor. This felt like payback. I would sit in the glider in Caroline’s nursery to try to relax and nurse her and would grit my teeth at the pain. Mind you, I was on painkillers! While this was happening, my nipples were becoming chapped despite my generous use of the nipple cream. Nipple pads served more like bandaids than a pad to soak up milk when I let down. My mom remembered the nurse giving me a nipple shield in the hospital. She found it in my bag and it was a total life saver.
Baby Turban: Amazon
I solely breastfed Caroline for about a week and a half. After one week I started pumping after breastfeeding to start a little reserve in the freezer. Caroline would spend upwards of 40 minutes on each breast, and would be extremely fussy afterwards so I would top her off with a bottle. In the evenings we began giving her a bottle before bedtime. Moms on Call suggests that the bedtime feed is the optimal feed to do via bottle. This allowed Milton to feed her. I’d also make a bottle for middle of the night feeds so I could sleep and my mom could feed her.
Around this time I became engorged. I felt like I was carrying two rocks on my chest. This could’ve been just from my milk coming in strong, but I think a lot of it had to do with how I was pumping. I had no idea what I was doing, and I’m pretty sure I would put the pump setting too high. Luckily, I had a post-op appointment with my doc and he was able to check me out. He confirmed that I was engorged. For the next 24 hours I nursed Caroline every two to three hours to relieve the engorgement. It worked, but I spent that night on the couch with not much sleep at all.
Caroline was still not latching well around week 3. I know it takes a lot of time and practice, but I was getting discouraged. My mom and I went to the “Breast Milk Bistro,” a service UTMB offers new moms that had their baby at a UTMB hospital. We’ll call it BMB for short. At BMB the nurses/lactation consultants have you undress your baby down to the diaper and get a beginning weight before you begin feeding. After each breast you can weigh your baby again to see how much milk they consumed. This is perfect for moms (including myself) that do not have a scale at home.
While I was feeding Caroline a nurse sat down with me to check out her latch and see how we were doing. Caroline was not latching deep enough and causing a stripe across my nipple, essentially sandwiching down on me rather than suckling. Ouch. This poor latch was preventing her from drawing more milk out. They checked her little mouth and saw that she had a slight frenulum…she was a little tongue tied, which was possibly preventing her from latching better.
We had a few options: take Caroline to an ENT doc to check it out and possibly have it taken care of (requiring some anesthesia), take her to a pediatric dentist that could fix it without putting her under, or just keep on keeping on. Milton and I were not excited about the first two options, even though I was told it can totally change a baby’s latch. We decided not to do anything about it.
Giving Caroline a bottle felt like I was giving up. I felt guilty for not trying harder to get a better latch. It really upset me and I would cry about it. Other moms figured it out, why couldn’t I? I didn’t want to deprive her of feeding directly from her mother.
Eventually, more and more feedings were from the bottle than the breast. Every few days I would feel guilty again and tell myself we’d feed at least twice from the breast that day. For a while we did every morning feed on the breast. Even at 5 weeks old I was having to give her a bottle after this feed in order for her to be full. All this time I’m still nursing with the nipple shield. Here and there I’d try to nurse without it and it would just be too painful.
Here we are at 7 weeks old and all feedings are from a bottle now. I’m pumping every three hours during the day in order to keep up with her demand. I make lactation cookies, and take a supplement to promote more milk production. I even spend half an hour pumping in the middle of the night. Sometimes I cannot quite keep up with her, so I have just recently introduced formula in order to stretch my breast milk further. I make her bottles with one ounce of formula and the remaining ounces are of breast milk. She’s eating around 5 ounces most feedings, sometimes 6.
Here and there I still feel some guilt about not trying harder to breastfeed. If I had just worked with her on her latch more, or if I had taken the time to go back to the lactation consultant. I’ll put her on me sometimes (I think to make myself feel better), but I’m reminded why we switched to bottles. I miss the view of her feeding on me. As a new mom, there is nothing more peaceful and pure than the sight of a breastfeeding baby.
I had no idea how challenging our feeding journey would be (physically and emotionally). As a mother, all you want to do is give your child everything in the world. Struggling to breastfeed gave me a feeling of defeat, mostly because of the amount of pressure I put on myself. Each day I work to give myself grace and remember that I’m the best mom for Caroline no matter what. I’m thankful to have such good momma friends and my own mom to lean on. My best friend Jessica told me something early on that has helped me so much, “Fed is best”. Yes, dammit. A fed baby is a happy baby, how ever that baby is fed. If I can’t satisfy her 100% with my boob, that’s ok! This baby is fed and that is best…and she has the cutest full cheeks to prove it.
